Suspected Sexual Abuse: How to Talk with Children and Adolescents?
As parents, it is crucial to find the right balance between the need to protect our children and warn them of dangers, and the need to raise them with basic trust and confidence in the world and in people. It is important to establish healthy and open communication with our children, encouraging them to turn to us whenever they feel threatened or embarrassed by someone else’s behavior. We must equip them with behavioral guidelines to help them cope with various situations, while emphasizing the child’s own capabilities and strength. A parent’s familiarity with their child and their pattern of communication will help in identifying and addressing signs of distress.
Be Aware of the Signs
Children often find it difficult to express distress in words. Therefore, it is important to pay attention to behaviors that may hint at emotional distress requiring intervention. You can identify potential harm in children and youth by looking for:
- Withdrawal and mood changes: Extreme mood swings, social isolation, outbursts, or excessive crying.
- Physical and biological changes: Problems with eating or sleeping, unusual recurring illnesses, or avoidance of physical touch.
- Behavioral “Red Flags”: Generally, any behavior that is out of the ordinary should serve as a warning sign.
- Verbal cues: Excessive talk about sexuality, expressions of pessimism and despair, or displays of aggression.
- Psychosomatic complaints: Unexplained headaches, stomach aches, or urinary tract infections.
- Other signs: Avoidance of exposing the body, excessive obsession with cleanliness (or extreme neglect of hygiene), school absences, self-harm attempts, or age-inappropriate sexual knowledge and behavior.
Don’t Keep it Inside
One of the primary difficulties in cases of sexual abuse is the struggle to discuss it—to say or hear words that trigger anxiety and discomfort. However, children and adolescents now, more than ever, need a meaningful and non-judgmental dialogue.
Often, adults choose to avoid sensitive and threatening topics. However, silence and a lack of response can be interpreted by the child as “tacit consent” or as “adult helplessness,” which may inadvertently reinforce harmful behaviors.
It is vital to talk to children and adolescents about healthy sexuality. When these topics are discussed openly, children will view their parents as a supportive resource for both routine questions and in times of crisis.
Managing Your Reaction
Suspicions of sexual abuse trigger intense feelings of rage, insult, guilt, and shame that can overwhelm a parent. Your initial reaction is significant in how the child perceives themselves and the event. Therefore, it is essential to act with empathy and patience.
- Stay as calm as possible.
- Convey a clear message: “We believe you. It is not your fault. You are not alone—we are by your side, and we will do everything in our power to help you overcome this.”
How to Respond When a Child Discloses Abuse
- Believe the child: Accept their words fully.
- Stay calm: Avoid emotional outbursts in their presence. If you are too overwhelmed, seek support for yourself before starting the conversation.
- Follow their lead: Allow the child to tell their story at their own pace. Listen, show understanding, and avoid criticism or judgment. Validate all feelings, even contradictory ones like anger, frustration, and helplessness.
- Remove the blame: Reiterate that you are not angry with them and that the blame lies solely with the perpetrator.
- Clarify concepts: Adolescents hear terms like “sexual assault” and “harassment” everywhere, but don’t assume they understand them. Explain that sexual harm is behavior where one person is exploited for another’s needs against their will or without the possibility of true consent. Emphasize that this is illegal and prohibited.
- Choose your words carefully: Think about the implications of your statements. Comparing sexual assault to “murder” can be devastating, as it may make the child feel as though their life is over. Do not take away their hope. Later, it will be essential to talk about coping strategies and tools for building resilience.
- Social Media Awareness: Be mindful that one insensitive or aggressive comment online can be destructive to a survivor. Discuss the impact of media coverage with them and try to limit exposure to harmful content.
- Do not stay alone: Mobilize your own support circles. Share with significant people in your life so that you have the emotional strength to be there for your child.
- Seek professional advice: It is highly recommended to consult with a professional regarding how to best support the child and to provide them with the specialized treatment they need.
Written by Dr. Shiri Daniels, Professional Director of ERAN.